I took my best friend off my myspace friends list today. My best friend of 15 years. It sounds so 2nd grade to do that. But I didn't do it to say, "HA! I've removed you from my special friends list and I'm not playing with you anymore!!!" I did it because every time I signed on, I saw her picture and it made me sad. I even tried moving her off "top friends" so that I wouldn't see her as much but that didn't seem to really help either. I even contemplated canceling myspace all together so that I didn't have to deal with this 2nd grade behavior of black listing her profile. Even I know its childish. But I decided not to leave myspace because I have found a lot of my old friends here and I didn't want to let that part go.
See, in May I had a miscarriage. It was hard and aside from my husband, I went through it alone. I told my "best friend" and a week went by before I received an email from her, not a phone call, an email. Another week went by and my husband started having heart trouble and to make a long story short, he was sick for awhile. So I was going through grief and then panic about him. Again, I received another email. Three weeks went by and no phone call except one of those emails saying "I've been busy. I've got problems of my own. Yada Yada Yada." Sometimes that's okay. Sometimes that's enough and you get on and get over it, but not when you heard that same stuff exactly a year prior when your mom's going through chemo from brain cancer and your "best friend" doesn't call to see if you/her are doing okay with all this. So, basically I'm drawing my line in the sand. I expect more from my friends and wont except less then what I would give. I mean what the fuck are friends for if not to be there for you if your mom has cancer or you're husband is ill or you just had a fucking miscarriage!!!!!!!!???????????? Isnt that in the definition for friends???
So her picture made me sad. Sad because I allowed her the ability to hurt me all over again. Sad because when I think of my miscarriage, I think of the hurt she caused me right with it. That its not enough that I had a miscarriage but I also had to lose a friend in the process. Sad because those two things are joined together. The aspect of losing a potential life and actually losing an existing life. What's worse? I don't know. They both equally seem tragic and thus doubling my pain. I loved her. I loved her like a sister. I loved her like family. I let so much go for the sake of keeping her in my life, when in the end, she had already left our friendship long before I did. She didnt need me in her life like I wanted her in mine. So its time for me to move on and realize that nothing is worth making you feel like nothing and I have always felt like that and being her "friend" just made me feel like nothing.
See, in May I had a miscarriage. It was hard and aside from my husband, I went through it alone. I told my "best friend" and a week went by before I received an email from her, not a phone call, an email. Another week went by and my husband started having heart trouble and to make a long story short, he was sick for awhile. So I was going through grief and then panic about him. Again, I received another email. Three weeks went by and no phone call except one of those emails saying "I've been busy. I've got problems of my own. Yada Yada Yada." Sometimes that's okay. Sometimes that's enough and you get on and get over it, but not when you heard that same stuff exactly a year prior when your mom's going through chemo from brain cancer and your "best friend" doesn't call to see if you/her are doing okay with all this. So, basically I'm drawing my line in the sand. I expect more from my friends and wont except less then what I would give. I mean what the fuck are friends for if not to be there for you if your mom has cancer or you're husband is ill or you just had a fucking miscarriage!!!!!!!!???????????? Isnt that in the definition for friends???
So her picture made me sad. Sad because I allowed her the ability to hurt me all over again. Sad because when I think of my miscarriage, I think of the hurt she caused me right with it. That its not enough that I had a miscarriage but I also had to lose a friend in the process. Sad because those two things are joined together. The aspect of losing a potential life and actually losing an existing life. What's worse? I don't know. They both equally seem tragic and thus doubling my pain. I loved her. I loved her like a sister. I loved her like family. I let so much go for the sake of keeping her in my life, when in the end, she had already left our friendship long before I did. She didnt need me in her life like I wanted her in mine. So its time for me to move on and realize that nothing is worth making you feel like nothing and I have always felt like that and being her "friend" just made me feel like nothing.
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